“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
