“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
happy friday
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
