“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
