“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
What?!?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
