Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Perfect

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

There’s only one good girl here!

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*