Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Digital security in Ancient Troy

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?