Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.