Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.