Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.