Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.