Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Every photo I’m tagged in

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.