Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Meanwhile in Canada…

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

I’d … I’d rather not.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies