Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
omg leave her alone
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
