The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please