Did your dog lose a tennis ball under our couch? We have like 900 of them

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[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.


We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.


You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.


Expecting Parents,

I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.



DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom


[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding


Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Tired parents