Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
Did your dog lose a tennis ball under our couch? We have like 900 of them
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.
DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.