Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”