Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a genius move

🥴😂

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree