Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Cannot stop laughing at this