Did…did a minotaur write this
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
