Did…did a minotaur write this
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Wolves should really raise more people.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Voodoo map
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.