Did…did a minotaur write this
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.