didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
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Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options