Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces