Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I am a gravy boat captain