Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
O Wise One….
