Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Very good! 👍😂
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah