Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

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Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways


When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.


*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole


I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.


I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?


Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.


Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.