@SardonicTart

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

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@jbillinson

Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@McGrumpenstein

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

@ericsshadow

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

@Dutch_50

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@TheBoydP

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

@stevevsninjas

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.