Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.