Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine