Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.