Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Bring back the McRib
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom