Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
calling in to work dehydrated
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye