Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.