Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“Don’t be shy!”
-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work
I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.