Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.


Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.


*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.


My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is “DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR”


I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .


“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work


I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.