Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting