Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.