Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Meow
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.