Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son