Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Butt weight. There’s more!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.