Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

This story is comedy gold 😂

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.