Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.