Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money