Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship