Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.