Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.