Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

😂😂

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.