Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Yup

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*