Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own