Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
hi why am I like this
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.