Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.