Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Brother?

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.