Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
i’m still crying at this
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]