Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.