Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

My patience has stretch marks.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap