didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
You Might Also Like
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Strangers have the best candy.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE