Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
felt that
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.