Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.