Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.