Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever