didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”