didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.