Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
gentlemen, hear me out
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
no
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!