Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
You Might Also Like
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty