Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.