Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?