Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not