Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My fantasy football season is going great
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.