Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Check out the legs on this baby
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.