didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
This hospital has everything
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.