Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

😂 amazing answer

They grow up so quick

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.