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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.