Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Social Media and Real life

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo