Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.