Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.