Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

not for long

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.